Right now sucks right now. Just now, while on my way to get juicing ingredients, I was approached by a total stranger who asked when I was due. Who the fuck asks that???? First thing out the pie hole? I don't have a ring on my finger. I wasn't wearing anything that remotely indicated pregnancy and Monday is my 46th birthday, so clearly I am not oozing youth.
I was so dumbfounded that I responded by saying that I supposed it was time for me to go on a diet. But as we all know, here, I have been on one for 10 days and I am actually 10 pounds less than 10 days ago. Did people wonder if I was having twins 10 days ago?
All I want to do is hide in my apartment, well and have a big plate of pasta with meat sauce, some bread and butter and some red wine. But what I am going to do is just hide in my apartment and drink juice, but still this sucks. I feel so alone and fat and old and single. I can't even call my sister, who lives outside of cell reception.
This is really firing up my depression and triggering so many things. I used to be so fit just 2 years ago and I let it all go, ok, due to massive depression and anxiety, but still. I am such a failure. Tears are rolling down my face as I write this. I'm not sobbing, just tears and snot. I can't handle being judged right now. I just can't. I need nice people around me. I want my mom. She would have kicked that lady's ass. Yea, it was a woman who asked me the question.
I just want to crawl into bed, but it's too hot. When is SF ever 85? Today and tomorrow apparently. So along with wishing I was skinny, younger, not single, I wish I had air-conditioning and while we are in wishing mode, a dishwasher and in-unit laundry.
I think I am going to go find Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead on Netfilx.